O HAPPY Day!

I'm starting to think that I must not be moving so fast. Have you ever noticed that whenever you get busy you really don't get to know how great things in your life are until you stop for a minute. Your mind and body catches up and then BANG... There's a smile on your face again and this time, it's staying.

What could a seatbelt do to a small girl like me?

Slice my neck from the side.

I wonder if I'll be lashless in the next year. I've had this habit of pulling my eye lashes for a while now. I don't really understand why I do it.

This Saturday, I'm suppose to be takng my ACTs for the 4th time. I decided that I should really work a double if I want my $32.00 admissions fee back. ha. I don't need to take it again.

I plan on trying to find a second job this year so I can save up more money in my skinny little pig before I leave.

Big city, I'm on my way!

It has been an interesting and exciting week for me. I got a letter in the mail from School of the Art Institute of Chicago saying that I've been accepted. Great news! Having one of the top 5 art schools in the NATION wanting you is a big deal.

Today, I got an email saying that I've been Nominated for a merit scholarship from the school. Only a selected few get NOMINATED for this early Merit. The deadline to apply and mail in by is Dec.7th. So I basically have two weeks to work on 10 cohesive pieces. Shit. Well World, I can prevail.

Can anyone smell the androgyny?

iIsure do! I've been researching about the beauty of it all. The website I go to for visual sensation and interesting texts is www.genderfork.com I recommend it if you like that kind of stuff as well

Site to make you Bright

This is me in the Wii!

If you are a huge ART SLUT like me, I think you should check out and look around in this website here:

http://www.tate.org.uk/tateplayer/

Hope you enjoy the experiance :]

Artist of the week.

I was looking through my box of memories and I encountered a crumpled sheet of paper that had a name on it. 'Jennifer Linton' I went online and googled it. She is a female artist. I’ve researched her before 3 years ago... Totally forgot about how extreme but yet simple her work was. I have to I would compare her to Cindy Sherman. She uses herself as a model and it's a little different to what you would see. Her earlier work is serious but fun to me. She’s somewhat of an illustrator. You should check out her stuff. Her shown work may be considered the dark site of feminism so you better watch out. I don't know, only YOU can be the judge. Feminism in general can be a scary thing. Haha

http://jdlinton.50webs.com/HTML/

Bright days and Radical notions.

Since yesterday, I’m feeling much better. One of my Governor’s School friends from Columbia, Tennessee came down here to hang out and talk to me. Something that I really needed. I felt so thankful that he was there. After he left, I insured myself that I will not be depressed for a while. So I went to Celeste’s and traveled into the boonies to get to my newest friends, Erica and Chante’s house. It was quite a splendor. My buddy EB finally confessed that I really don’t have an STD and she was just fuckin' with me. Eh, that fucker. I was so petrified for about 3 days. Well, I’ve now learned my lesson. Thanks EB. And thank you guys for being there for me no matter how needy I sounded. Now I’m back to my own self again and I’m ready for the day. It's almost 6am. Bring it!

Update..

It's been a couple of days and I'm doing a little better. I have forced myself to go towards the people I care and love. I'm trying. Yeah, I'm being like a needy bitch that’s afraid to pee in the bushes. I know this. Hopefully everything will go back to the norm where I feel as confident and as fierce like I was years ago. Or better yet, a year ago.

Anxiety. I am so sorry.

I know what the solution to my pre-mature madness is, but I can’t seem to find a free drug that’s unoccupied for the moment being. I can’t try to save myself by being alone in closed doors anymore. It’s a stretch to say that since it is part of who I am. I’m meant to be alone but only in a half amount of time. The other portions of time should be with public no matter how painful it can be for me in a mental stand point. Certain things can get into your skin. And in my skin, there is a lot of me and a little of unconditional love. I wish I was more comfortable toward the people I care for and adore. I have too much of personal knowledge pushing me back. I can't extremely express how I truely truely feel. I always fail and I'm so sick of how I think. I can't stop thinking, so being stupid is out of the question. I cannot relax because no one can relax me. Believe me, I've tried for myself. It is all an epic fail. I wish someone.. Anyone! can help me right now. I'm struggling a little.

[fuck you]. That's what I say to my sexy self all the time.

I’ve been trying new things this past week. Nothing says preparation better than to not be in your comfort zone for a while.

Have you ever had the feeling that you may know more about certain things than others? You know the main things in a human being’s life like love, relationships, lust, personal growth, and such behaviors? I think it grows in every one of us. You see others in emotional pain and you think that you know what to do if you were in their shoes. For me, I think that if I can become one of those creative sensual people that usually find others to fuck, I can be pretty content and also full of shit. I can be an asshole and I wouldn’t mind. Honestly, being that way doesn’t come from nurture. It really comes from nature. Being one of the semi-believers, if I could find that one person... that person that I can truly and unconditionally care and strive for, I will do whatever it takes... just like every fantasy character in love stories from the books and big screen television sets. We are brain-washed into thinking like this. People think that they want to really really fall in love. I mean, shit.

We are meant to be hedonistic. If it feels good, it feels good… sexually or mentally. That does not mean you should fucking settle down at twenty-something. There is a down side of being a hedonist. If you’re going to be a “player”, you got to know how to play. If you want to just fuck, you got to be careful and look after your shit. All and all, when you are a hedonist, you must know how to break away for a while from pleasure. Now that’s my abstract writing for the night. I wish you all a great fucked up but fun life. Enjoy every drop of rain and sweat mixed in one.

A line is but a residue of you.

The photo above was taken by Scarlett P.

Today, I’ve been looking through my drawings and I figured I best draw EVERY single day. I believe that it’s one of those skills in society that we could lose in a matter of years. Kind of like Latin. People don’t speak it anymore. It’s a lost language. Since technology is so vast, maybe traditional drawing will be gone.

I'm yellow. I gotta be one of those sponges.

It’s a new day and I feel much much better than last night. I’m planning on finishing up one of my recent self-portraits. I’m going to post it on facebook since my little art site has been untouched for quite some time.

A few days ago, I listened to this lecture from TED.com about how and why we are or aren’t happy in life. It was very interesting to hear all of it. I also read an article about how there are plenty of unimportant spaces where most of us live in. The advocate wrote how soldiers shouldn’t fight for our country for any of these cartoon versions of country homes (suburbia) and non-important spaces that we see every day. We drive on them all the time to get to where ever destination we want get to. We all even refuse to walk on them. The anti-aesthetic pleasure of buildings and shrub like plants by the roadsides are ridiculous. It's such a waste. It really doesn't do much of anything. Those two TED lectures out of many other are spectacular. It makes me want to absorb every single one of them. Education is my weakness and also my strength. I’m going to straight up quote from a whore and say, “Sponge”. I am a sponge. It must be true. If you are interested in knowing more, just visit TED.com and just listen and read whatever is it you want to read.

Let's have lunch and go for a ride down to memory lane.

My body has been sore. My insides are tight. The inside of the mouth, throat, and spine lower back is all tight. Muscles need to focus on the art of movement. I should take yoga and go back to my strict vegan ways. Enough of that dairy mumbo jumbo.
So I believe she and I made a revelation. Whenever we say we love each other, it betters us. I love her graciously and I’m keeping up my pride and goals in life right now. Since I’m free with the whole loving relationship bullshit, I feel so amazing and stronger than before. I’m seeing more progress and it’s very thrilling to have that. I know now that it’s bullshit to try and settle down. I’m too culture thrived for any of that. I’m counting down and preparing for my speeches. I’m making lists and brain storming. No one’s ever ready for anything, but we sure are capable to do so.

Decade.

Yesterday was the best day I’ve had in a long time. I went and critiqued the Governor’s School student this year. I hung out with some of my friends from last summer. We all ate at BlueCoast Burrito. Dani, Ben, Allie, and Michelle are amazing human beings. I really am looking forward to seeing all of us together again in 10 years. Where will we be? Will we still be artists? Will some of us get to live in Chicago like we always wanted? Will we be successful like we always strived for? It’s all about working hard for what we want. Faith and hope sounds great and all, but that may be bullshit in certain situations. It’s not about getting lucky. You have to have motivation to get to where you want to be. I’m a little anxious still.

Year of prepare.

I just remembered how amazing the Minolta 35mm camera feels in the palm of my hands. I’m so disappointed in myself that I broke it years back. And my other camera that my friend had gave me when I saw 16; it was disappointing to figure out that that manual point and shoot 35mm or was it medium format was broken. Eh, where can I repair my two broken cameras?? It’s a drag even though I have many other cameras to work with.

Today, I had lunch with Ph.D. Anderson. We had great conversations and she totally made me remember how I can make it and why I do what I do. She said that I must sink deeper into the psyche in me and try to incorporate who I am as an imprisoned artist living in a medium southern town in Tennessee. She told me many things and I manage to grasp it all in mind.

I’ll be visiting Middle Tennessee State University tomorrow to see how the governor’s school kids are doing. I heard they’re very disappointing and not that bright this year. When I get the chance to see their work, I’ll try not to laugh or be too critical at them.

Queer! It's what it is!

Last night was a new experience. I went to club Play with Celeste and one of her guy friends and watched the drag show. It was awesome. The first drag queen that I saw was pretty hot. When the night ended, my soul mate figured some more of me out all with the kind of person I am and such. I mean shit, that’s deep thinking right there.

Today, I checked my e-mail and my painting professor messaged me to say that she was in town and wanted to have brunch or lunch with me soon. I’m so excited about that! She’s one of the most inspirational people I’ve ever known through my 19 years of living. Her advice about the Art World and life will stay with me forever. I’m so happy with everything right now. Life is amazing. It’s becoming how I wanted it to be... Well when it comes to now. The present is growing smoothly.

Music is candy for your soul.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been neglecting the power and sound of music. To refresh my likings to the world, in particular, the random themes but mellow vocals of Detroit based musician, Sufjan Stevens will make you want to have a spot of tea and relax in front of a working air conditioner... if you live in the temperate climates. The stories in his songs are simple yet remarkable. I especially adore the song that talks about the famous Chicago serial killer, John Wayne Gacy Jr. It’s one of my first favorites from him. Check out the music video link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otx49Ko3fxw

I wish I knew you more, soldier girl. You could most likely kick my ass.

I miss these days. I love documenting my life even though I think it’s not so interesting to others. I try to make it so. From all the needy to agonizing pain I once had to write about, I’m trying to tell myself that I’m done with it. Okay, I am. Now it’s all about what I see and experience right in front of me.. The good things that are.. Such as life.
So Nashville Pride fest is soon and I have a feeling it’s not going to be that great. I’ve been going to Pride for 5years. Seriously, the best ones are the ones in the coasts and/or maybe a bigger city that’s super mega gay gay gaaay friendly. I’m going with my good friends and then some this year. I hope I meet some interesting people which I will. I guess I gotta finish my freshly brewed coffee before it tastes different. Today is going to be a grand day. Watch out, movie consumers! Nancy’s in the Box Office tonight. Ha ha I’m so gay.

My mind is trapped in a bottle and nothing can touch it but chop sticks.

It’s the end of the night and I am still restless. On the drive home from work, I almost hit a deer. Or like what Brittany Said, “The deer almost hit me.” What the fuck? Nostalgia is creeping up on me even though I’m home. But this home isn’t home at all to me. I say this to myself because I’m relentless. I’m a dream catcher when all seems too comfortable and not difficult enough to take. She hasn’t left me. They haven’t found me. And it hasn’t come yet. All that I can do is work, think, and hope for all the best... well, ‘better’ than this whatever it is.

Thursday

Yesterday was a pretty dandy day for me. I talked with my friends. I made up with Brittany and we are friends once again and nothing more. Talked about the mural project. It was good.

Today, I’m fed up with waking up late and passing the fucking time like this. I haven’t gotten a lot of shit done. I’m angry at myself right now. I got to pick up the pace. I think I only have one piece that’s almost finished. Fuck fuck fuck! It’s June! And that's all I have to day for today, damnit.

Fuck Me Safe. ~David Wojnarowicz

As the time flies by, I’m caught oversleeping through these summer days. Other than that, I am getting better and better each day. The matter of it is that I do not need a specific someone to be thinking about in the time after dispatcher even though it’s normal to. I mean, it shouldn’t be that much to think about. It kinda makes you a stronger person but you do have your fucked up moments of thought. I'd give information but naww.

Anyway, I am going to a little confrontation with my friend Emily and Andy about his classroom mural today. It’ll be fun not painting a mural alone this time. It’s going to be a blast spending time with Emily, Andy, Rachel, and maybe Janey and Celeste. These days, I got to socialize anyway so I won't have to think about my sexual wants or better yet my finding another lady friend to try to love. Dude, I got my friends to love anyway. Fuck those silly thoughts.

Hump day full of maximum fear

Well, today has been a pretty slow day. I've been texting my ex less than usual and I’m breaking my own heart by doing things and just feeling hopeless and a sucker for the future. This week has been a little depressing for me. I got panic like, had a write up at work, put in my two weeks then changing my mind, made Brittany mad for the billionth time, got dumped by her, only earned $60 something on this week’s paycheck, and took art supplies from somewhere . Talk about having a guilty conscious and shifty karma and effect.
I’m slowly getting back to my roots, though. I’m mostly going to stay at home to work on my portfolio for college. College acceptance is the most that’s on my mind lately. Sometimes when I talk to my ex about it, I feel like I’m still pissing her off since it’s not really her thing. I mean, I’d talk to someone else about it, but the friends that have the same interests are all busy and gone.. Or they just live far far away from me. Living here and not having any benefit besides having friends and loving a family is a semi-bust.

I believe I'm back. Still trying to get there.

It's the summer and I've kinda found something new. I'm actually getting a little bit in depth with the darkroom stuff. Today, I went to my friend EB's house in the country and learned how to roll my 35mm film on to a film reel. I enjoyed seeing the in finished results in the film strip development. I have yet to learn the print developing proccess. Later tonight, I get to see my girlfriend. She's a cutie. It's been 2 months to this day and that's pretty long in an average lesbian relationship.. so I've heared.